You are to write a one-page introduction to your research paper. Be sure to have a good opening - some kind of an attention-getter for your audience. Start with a general background of the thesis and move closer and more specific until the end of the introduction, where you will write your thesis (and underline it).
In your reply to your peers, be sure to reply to two peers who have not already had two replies. If you do, you will be asked to do a third one to someone who did not get two replies. Try to get your introductions done early so that you do not hold anyone up until the last minute on Sunday night. Be sure to critique the introductions, making suggestions for both mechanics and for content. If there is a need to improve sentence structure, be specific. If the introduction is chaotic, then please offer suggestions.
BE SURE TO HELP YOUR PEER WRITE A BETTER INTRODUCTION
Introduction
ReplyDeleteThe clinking and clacking of lunch trays are noises that can be heard in school cafeterias around the country. The lunch ladies should feel a sense of acomplishment after feeding the students for another day. Most schools in the country are under the National School Lunch Program. The National School Lunch Program is a nationally funded program that feeds over 30 million children a day. The program first started out in 1932 when only 900,000 students a day received lunch from the program and the schools would get funds from the government. Every year the guidelines seem to change just a little bit and some years they are changed drastically. 1946 was a big year for the program because it was the first time that schools had to give the lunches out at a reduced rate or for free to the families that qualified. The year 2004 was when the program started the fruit and vegetable push and created the Child Nutrition and WIC Reauthorization Act. This act along with others help to promote the healthy choices that the government has made about lunches. Since President Obama has come into office, the First Lady Michelle Obama has helped to teach kids about a healthy diet and staying in shape. This is good news, but some recent changes to the standards are also going into effect, but they aren't getting the same amount of support.
The new standards call for a decrease in the proportion sizes and students feel hungry after their meal. This is a problem that a lot of schools in the country feel should be changed. The sodium and fat content are high in the foods served and research has shown that the food can be related to an increase in obesity. The students shouldn't be the only guilty ones in the situation. The quality of the food being served at some schools don't met the national standards. Some schools just serve frozen foods that are heated up and look presentable to students. Frozen foods have more calories than fresh foods and contain more saturated fats. Another issue is that some states make their own standards. The standards should be uniform throughout the nation because the National School Lunch Program is a government program and should make the schools serve the same amount of food. Even if the food types are different, there needs to be some kind of unity throughtout the country in order for the schools to feel equal. The quality and quanity of food provided through free or reduced school lunches in the National School Lunch Program is not suficient; therefore, new national standards should be adopted for the program.
I was not able to underline my thesis on the blog site. I underlined it in Word, but the website got ride of the underline when I copied it.
DeleteReserved !!!!
DeleteCamille, your opening sentence really got my attention. School lunches being cut down and healthy now is a bad problem, first of all because of all the kids that will be wasting food. We have to take 2 things of fruit a day or else the price of our lunch will go up because its not considered a meal. I know a lot of people complain about this, but it isn't our schools fault. It is the government and Michelle Obama's new program. A majority of people don't enjoy eating wheat bread and eating a lot of fruit, so that means mor wood will be wasted and money will be wasted. The way you explain this topic really makes it clear to me and it also makes it clear that you know a lot about your topic and are clear about it.
DeleteGreat job with your opening sentence! It really puts the reader in the cafeteria with the students and smack-dab in the middle of where your research paper "takes place." Make sure you go over punctuation with commas in compound sentences, I am not exactly sure if there has to be commas in some of these places, but try to go over it and make sure that it is all correct. The way you developed your main points throughout this introduction shows an exceptionally clear idea of where you stand on this topic. One thing I have heard in the past is to not use contractions, like don't etc etc, in writing a paper that is meant to be scholarly. I am not sure if that is something that is technically a rule, but I have found that it makes writing appear better. Overall, very nice job with your introduction!
DeleteCamille
DeleteI enjoyed the opening of your paper. Good Job!!!! I have a couple of suggestions. How about "cafeteria ladies" instead of "lunch ladies"? Also, work on proper placement of commas such as in this sentence: [ This act, along with others, help to promote the healthy choices that the government has made about lunches. ] Do not use slang terms such as "kids" - use the word "children" instead. Otherwise, you have a very interesting topic that relates to all of us.
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ReplyDeleteImagine you are a monkey living in the jungle. You live your day normally; hunt for food, eat, sleep, repeat. Your life is awesome and relaxing. One day while you are resting in a tree, you hear something approaching from behind you. You turn to look, then everything goes black. You wake up what seems like 2 seconds later in a cage in a big white room. Humans in white coats stare at you through the cage. One comes over and unlocks the cage and picks you up. They set you down, you think you're free. You struggle and try to get free and run away, but you can't move. They start spraying something in your eyes, it burns. You can no longer see anymore, you feel dizzy. Everything goes black again. You wake up and try to open your eyes but it hurts and you can't see anything. You feel a sharp pain in your back, and once again, darkness.
ReplyDeleteWhat kind of torture is this? Why does it exist?
This is an example of an animals point of view of being tested for products for human beings. There are many different types of animal testing: injection testing, exposure testing, skin testing, creation testing, and behavior testing. All of these procedures in one way or another harm an animal. Humans test products on animals before they sell them just to make sure they don't harm us. If the animal reacts badly to the tests, then the product will not be sold. Animal testing should be stopped because it is resulting in unfair practices and is causing harm to animals due to the mistreatment of the animals during the tests. Products that people are unaware of that they use daily that are tested, hair products, lotions, medications, toothpaste, makeup, perfumes, shampoos, foods, beverages, cleaning products, drugs, chemicals, and more. When humans think of animal testing, they only think of themselves and their safety rather than the animals, they don't think of different gruesome procedures used, and they don't consider using alternative ways of testing products without the use of animals. Animal testing is also unfair for the animals, because they are helpless compared to the strength and intelligence of humans. It is proven that animals and humans function differently; therefore, the tests are not always 100% accurate. Animals can handle different substance ps that humans can't, this could be dangerous. These are innocent animals that we are taking out of their normal habitat. All creatures on earth should be treated equally, one shouldn't be more important than the other. Animal abuse is illegal, right? Why is animal testing, which involves injuring and killing animals, any different than animal abuse? Why isn't it illegal?
Leah, in the beginning of your introduction, I like how you engaged the reader to think in the point if view of the monkey. This example drew my attention and curiosity. After your first paragraph, you have two questions that contribute to the point of view of the monkey's thoughts. These two question should be a part of the first paragraph, or instead of asking those questions create a new topic sentence in the second paragraph. One way would be to say: The torturous actions explained above are those of a helpless creature undergoing product testing for humans. Also in the 6th sentence of your last paragraph does not flow correctly. If it is suppose to be a compound sentence you need to place a comma before the conjunction and have a second subject (such as "it"). Also be careful, your 8th sentence of the last paragraph is a large run-on. Since this is an introduction you need to be thorough. You need to provide information behind your abbreviation "ps." I understand what your paper is about, but I am unsure about which sentence is your thesis statement. The information you provided in your introduction is good, and I am eager to read the rest of your research paper. I hope I provided you with some good feedback!
DeleteReserve for comment
DeleteLeah, I think that you have a really good opening sentence and got the reader intrigued about your research. You seem to have a lot of good information about your topic and I think your paper will reflect that. I might suggest that you change your thesis because it is a question. You want your thesis to rule the paper and it should be something set in stone and be the most important information in the paper. I also think that using the word "you" isn't the best thing. The paper shouldn't be told like a story, it should be information about the topic. So writing the paper from a different view might work better. I love animals and hope that animal testing is stopped. I can't wait to read your paper.
DeleteIt wouldn't let me underline my thesis, it's not the question it's, "Animal testing should be stopped because it is resulting in unfair practices and is causing harm to animals due to the mistreatment of the animals during the tests."
DeleteLeah
DeleteI like your approach to the introduction. Your opening makes an interesting lead into your paper. There are a few places you need to check for proper use of the period. Use the word "two" instead of the number 2. In formal papers, all numbers from 1-10 should be written out in word format. Use an apostrophe on the word "animal's"in the second paragraph to show possession. I made a revision to your one sentence so that it would read better: [If the animal reacts badly to the tests, then the product will not be sold. Animal testing should be stopped because it is results in unfair practices; likewise, it causes harm due to the mistreatment of the animals during the tests.]
Avoid the word "proven" as I have changed it here and corrected some of the sentence too:
It is understood that animals and humans function differently; therefore, tests are not always 100% accurate. Animals can handle different substances that humans cannot, which could be dangerous.
The biggest error in your introduction is that the thesis is not at the end of your introduction where it belongs. Please be sure to change this.
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ReplyDeleteHow would people react if they found themselves in a world simply void of modern technology? Could people keep their lives together if they discovered that their phones are eternally gone? What would people do with their time without television, movies, or the internet? In all honesty, a select few might not even notice. However, a large proportion of the population find themselves immersed in modern technology. With everything becoming smaller, more convenient, and easier to use; technology is a very attractive part of today’s world. Whether it is wanted or not, technology will find its way into everyone’s life. As helpful as it all can be, somewhere along the way the actual purpose for many forms of technology was lost in the constant evolution.
ReplyDeleteSimply denying the many things that technology has discovered on medical, astrological, and countless other topics is something that can not be done. Technology has saved millions of lives over the years and will continue to save them. All advances that have been beneficial to everyone are the result of technology being used to its fullest extent. In spite of this, people continue to waste away at their life with their technology daily. The huge gap in how effective the tasks technology can do depends entirely on how they are used. People are simply wasting the incredible resource that they have right in front of them. Through the technology, addiction to a vast number of things can develop. People find themselves inseparable from their smart phones, and feel like they lost everything is lost if they can not find it. Ability to hold a face-to-face conversation, or even socialize in general, is diminished through many forms of communication that technology has provided. As helpful as technology is, there is a point where everything crashes down. Being entertained by electronics is fine when done in moderation and not completely hijacking someone’s life. The developers of all the devices are in actuality not helping. They are trying to lure people in and then get them hooked on a device, game, or website. The reason they do it is one that is purely of greed, they simply want to make money off of their consumers. Business is business but this is an absurd act, money can be made without abusing human psychology. Unfortunately, few actually realize that this is happening, while others let it happen. What will the next big breakthrough in technology be? It will likely be something that everyone can live without. Not every invention is bad, but they reaching the point where we would be better off without it. Everyone will likely never realize the feats that can be achieved if they use what computer or tablet were actually designed for. Computer technology is an incredibly useful tool that is necessary for modern living; however, the practical uses of technology has degraded over the years since it was adopted as a household essential.
Tyler, you have a very good opening sentence. Also the questions at the beginning of your introduction will really get the reader thinking and they will want to keep reading your paper. Some of your sentences don't make sense but it will be an easy fix. I feel you really explained what your paper is about. As much as i hate to admit it, I am probably one of those people that sometimes let the technology take over my life. I think that most of our generation is. I think your paper will be interesting to read when it is finished!
DeleteReserved for comment
DeleteTyler, your opening sentence really made me want to continue reading on farther into your paper. I think that your paper is going to be something that most people will be able to relate to one way or another. In your sentence "With everything becoming smaller, more convenient, and easier to use; technology is a very attractive part of today’s world" however, I would rethink the use of the semicolon. I think that instead of a semicolon, a more proper form of punctuation may be the comma. In this sentence "People find themselves inseparable from their smart phones, and feel like they lost everything is lost if they can not find it" you used lost one to may times. I think the proper usage would be "and feel like everything is lost if they can not find it." I think that the word are was forgotten in this sentence in between they and reaching "Not every invention is bad, but they reaching the point where we would be better off without it." I think anain an improper semicolon was used in this sentence, "Computer technology is an incredibly useful tool that is necessary for modern living; however, the practical uses of technology has degraded over the years since it was adopted as a household essential." Overall I think that your ideas are very well planned out and put together in a way that is very easy to understand. I think that everyone can relate to the topic you are writing about. I also feel like it will change the way people look at their use, and other's use of technology as well.
DeleteTyler
DeleteBravo! What a good introduction you have. I like the rhetorical questions because just about anyone can relate to them. In that first paragraph make sure you edit one of the semi-colons that is used incorrectly - use a comma instead: [ With everything becoming smaller, more convenient, and easier to use; technology is a very attractive part of today’s world.] When you speak about technology in any of the paper, avoid using the article "the" before it. In the second to last sentence (right before the thesis, make sure you make the words plural: computers and tablets. Nice job overall.
With the rise in demand for fossil fuels, it has been said that soon they will all be used up. Some people wonder, what will happen to the future of the Earth if all of the fossil fuels one day just ran out? The only way this can be prevented is if alternate fuel sources are found. One resource recently found is called shale and is being drilled by a company called the Marcellus Shale. It has been estimated that there is enough of this shale, or natural gas to last 27 years (McLendon 2010). This is equivalent to 616 trillion cubic feet of natural gas. (McLendon 2010). This recent find is great because of the high demand for resources. A lot of the fuel that is burned all comes from nonrenewable resources. If the resources are used up they will be gone forever. Shale is a type of natural gas that is located deep down under the surface of Earth inside rocks that are commonly known as shale. The gas was formed millions of years ago during the Devonian age when pressure kept adding up on top of the rocks (Soeder and Kappel 2009). Organic matter was also compressed along with the rock. This organic matter formed hydrocarbons, a carbon and hydrogen compound, which is a chief component in the formation of natural gas (Soeder and Kappel 2009). Natural gas has become more popular than coal lately be because it is much cleaner to burn. Along with the shale gas being a great alternate energy source, it is also providing cities and states with additional jobs, income, and a new variety of people. This will also allow the United States to not have to rely as much on energy sources from other countries (Ehrenberg 2012). Although it is great that an alternate fuel source has been found, some people wonder if the retrieval of the gas is worth the risks. The environmental effects of the Marcellus Shale are worth the risk of obtaining the shale from the earth because of the dire need for new sources of energy
ReplyDeleteRachel, I think your introduction paragraph is good so far. You did a good job with the citing if your information about the Shale. I think it is good to give the reader a lot of information about what Shale and the whole process is really about. A lot of people know that the drilling is going on but they don't know all the steps and what the drilling is meant for. In your sentence that starts with " Natural gas has become..", you have an extra word "be" that I don't think is supposed to be there. I think that your paragraph backs up your thesis very nicely as well.
DeleteRachel, i feel that you did a good job on trying to show the reader what the whole process of shale is because many times people don't know what shale is and exactly how it works. You did a good job on putting what the definition of shale is. I always thought that Marcellus shale was the exact name of the gas being taken out of the ground, but you allowed me to realize that after I read you introduction that Marcellus Shale is the organization and the gas is just called shale. I also hope that in your introduction that you have little hint about what your whole essay will be about. Therefore, you citing of your work is good; however, I think that maybe you should check on how to put your citations in the essay because i thought you are supposed to put the information before you write it and then the informative sentence.
DeleteRachel
DeleteI love your topic and I think it is wise to address it since there has been so much controversy on it. I would suggest an interesting opening to your introduction. You can start it with a rhetorical question, an anecdote, or you can paint a picture of a situation that leads into your topic. Think about it - you do not want the opening to be too dry.
It is good that you have chosen to cite a source for your introduction too. However, let me suggest a better way to use two citations into one. This is taken from your introduction but revised:
[McLendon (2010) estimates that there is enough of this shale, or natural gas to last 27 years; he further explains that this is equivalent to 616 trillion cubic feet of natural gas.]
Your thesis is located correctly at the end. Great job!!!
Bright smiles engulf the students faces as the final bell rings for the school year. Yelling from the stairways and halls are sounds of joy! "School is put for the summer!" , " Let the summer begin!". Almost all students get excited for summer break. This is a time when students can go out have fun and just be free. Our schools in the United States have been on the same multi-track school year for over 100 years. In the last decade or so there has been a lot of talk about changing the school year to year-round schooling. Many people have given this idea mixed reviews. Many countries are switching to a type of year-round schooling. Over 140 nations in our world have already made the switch. A few of these countries that took part in the switch are Brazil, China, and Japan. However not all these countries follow the same schedule. There are various types of year-round schooling. The three places that I mentioned all have different forms of year round schooling. Typically in year-round schooling students go more days and they have longer breaks placed throughout the year. These breaks are help make up the summer vacation being missed. Also these countries have better test scores then the United States. Government Officials blame this on the fact that a majority of our school systems have not made the switch to year round schooling. Some schools in our country have made the switch to year-round schooling and they are finding out that it was really not worth the switch. Test scores in these schools have not gone up. Costs of the schools however, have gone up since making the switch. Although some countries are switching to a twelve month school year, there are valid reasons why the United States should stay on the current school calendar.
ReplyDeleteReserved for comment
DeleteHayley, the way that you grabbed the readers attention was very good. All the different phrases that you used are all very true! I get very excited for the end of the school year knowing that I have two months of warm weather and no homework is the best feeling ever. When I read what your paper was about, my first thought was that it would be awful to go to school all year round. However, test scores are higher for some schools and I had never realized that until I read your introduction. I do think that you might want to change the sentence when you used the word "I". I bet you could figure out a better way to word the sentence without losing the effect of it. I can't wait to read your paper and find out what way of schooling is more beneficial.
DeleteReserved for comment
DeleteHayley, I think that your opening line is one that every student can relate to. The feeling of freedom and excitement is easily recognizable on every student's face. I think that in this quote "School is put for the summer!" you meant to say "School is out for the summer!" not put. Remember not to use the word "I" in the paper. I noticed that you did this once. I think that it will be easy to change the sentence to something like "A few of these countries that have been previously mentioned." Besides these few things I think that your introduction was very well written and set up in an easy to read way. I think that your paper is going to turn out very well and it will be very interesting to read.
DeleteHayley
DeleteNice opening to your introduction! Be sure to put an apostrophe after the word, students' [This signifies possession for more than one student when using it at the end of the word]. AVOID USING FIRST PERSON "I" in your paper. Also, I suggest that if you took any of this information from a source, be sure to mention who claims this information. Nice job!
" Ugly, weird, stupid, dumb..!" these are all hurtful words that are said during bullying. When children and teens are bullied many find themselves feeling alone and not good enough for society. Kravetz (2007) suggests that " Children who become targets often seem defenseless to the bully." Teens and children ranging from ages 12-16 are the major culprits of bullying in American schools. The words and actions that take place are so cruel that thinking about them makes people cringe. Many critical problems are a result of bullying in American schools. Suicides, physical, and psychological issues are all leading components. There have been school shooting that have also taken place in school environments in the United States due to someone being bullied. Many programs and laws have been passed to help prevent bullying, but are not always put into effect. Many people in American schools believe bullying is the least of their worries; but, when death occurs they think twice. Cohn & Canter (2003) shows "A positive school climate will reduce bullying and victimization."
ReplyDeleteOrganizations such as, bullying.gov, are making new programs and ideas on how to stop bullying in schools around the United States. Also, different laws have been passed to help prevent bullying. Many of these ideas have to do with police coming into the schools and talking about consequences of bullying and what kids around the United States can do to prevent this; however, many of these programs and laws are being over-looked. Therefore, bullying laws in American schools should be more highly enforced.
Emma, your first sentence really got my attention and made me want to keep reading. However there are some grammatical errors that I see. In your second quote there is a space before "Children." Also, when you talk about the school shootings make sure that "shooting" is plural. Other than those few mistakes I think your introduction is great and I can't wait to read your paper!
DeleteEmma, your introduction is very well written. I would love to read this paper if I could because I am one of those people that hate to see bullying when it occurs. I always try to stop it when I can. In your second paragraph, I don't know if it would be appropriate to use bullying.gov. Try to put something else instead of that. Also, make sure that your speak of school shootings as plural. You had "school shooting" when it should have been "school shootings." Very well written blog however.
DeleteEmma
ReplyDeleteI love your attention-getting four-word interjection at the beginning. Make sure you capitalize the word "these"which starts the next sentence. I also love the way you followed up with a reference using Kravetz. Later on, however, I would change the second paragraph, first sentence so that you are not using a web site for an in-text citation. Instead, use: Some organizations, focused on anti-bullying, are addressing new programs.....
Johnny Garrett, a seventeen year old from Texas, was accused of murdering a nun. He had been diagnosed with childhood trauma, brain damage, and multiple personalities. However, he proclaimed his innocence up until the day he was executed. Two years later, a new suspect was found guilty for that same murder due to newly discovered evidence. It was too late; Garrett was already gone. Capital punishment has been used for thousands of years for many different crimes. It has not shown to deter any future crimes. It is hard to say exactly how many people are put through the death penalty when they are actually innocent. In many situations, the criminal has been wrongly sentenced and accused of something they did not do. Capital punishment is an extremely unfair way to punish convicted criminals. Discrimination also takes over in the jurors and the executers. Most of the people doing the accusing and executions are white. Also, standards for protecting the mentally ill are far too low. The death penalty gets people no where as a society. People are told not to harm others, but why is the state allowed to do so? Once the criminal is executed, there is no way to take that back. Life without parole would be a better punishment. Instead of putting these criminals through the death penalty, they should be put in prison forever to live with the remorse of what they have done. The death penalty contradicts the rights and values of humans. Capital punishment should not be legal in the United States; it demoralizes our society.
ReplyDeleteLarissa, your topic sentence really grabbed my attention after I saw the word "murder." The only mistake that I saw in your blog was that you put "no where" instead of "nowhere." I believe it is one word, but I could be wrong. However, I really liked your introduction because I am firmly interested in these types of topics. I believe that the death penalty should be legal only after you conclusive evidence that you have the right person or after the prisoner has been in prison for over 30 years. Nice job on your blog.
DeleteLarissa, your first sentence really grabbed my attention. Right when i read it i immediately wanted to keep reading. Your subject on capital punishment is a great idea. You did very well in making your points on how capital punishment should be illegal in the United States. I agree with your thesis statement; killing someone after they have killed someone is very cruel but should not be done. In my eyes it is a form of murder also, just legal, which isn't right. Also, i would like to say that maybe you should put a sentence or two in your intro about the objections people have about capital punishment.
DeleteLarissa
DeleteYour opening to the introduction is very well done. It surely creates interest and provokes the reader to keep on reading. You make a statement that "most of the people doing the accusing and executions are white" - is this still true today? Do you have any research to show this? If so, it might be good to use a reference in this part - otherwise, it might sound like a hasty generalization. Your thesis is nicely placed in the correct spot - nice job!!!
The player was hit hard, he falls to the ground, he stands up, but stumbles back to the ground, he is not aware of his surroundings; the crowd is in utter disbelief as the ambulance takes him away. Believe it or not, but this happens frequently to student athletes around the nation. It can happen at any time, place, or sporting event. Concussions are treatable, but athletic trainers along with coaches need to take the proper steps into treating a concussion. If this means taking your best player out of the game, then that’s what it will have to be. There have been many sporting events around the nation that the coach has such a desire to win, so he keeps his best player in the game with a concussion. In some severe cases, like the ones in North Carolina and Oregon, people will have to suffer. Concussion are not decreasing, they are increasing, which is why people need to take a more proactive approach to concussions. Skeptics often argue these rules that leagues are taking saying they are “to severe” or “the players will have to change their approach.” The penalties are not too severe; in fact, they should be taken more seriously. This is a problem around the nation that must be fixed fast before the student athlete does not have a future.
ReplyDeleteJust imagine if the last thing a player can remember is he or she falling to the ground, and then they wake up in the hospital with the doctor telling them that their sporting career is over because of severe brain damage. Statistics prove that this type of injury can be the most severe that a player can receive because of the physical and emotional distress the player will receive from the symptoms. Players die from concussions due to either severe brain damage, or the player having so much emotional distress that he or she will take their own life. It has happened before, and it shouldn’t happen at all. Multiple sports programs should take a more hands-on approach to head injuries with the purpose of obtaining treatment for the dramatic increase in concussions.
As a sports fan, especially one who is a Redskin fan and is afraid of RGIII getting hurt, I can completely agree with this, and your attention getter got me hooked from the start. The first thing I noticed, was the "but" in the first sentence. When I read it it sounded slightly unnatural. I think that it sounds better without the conjunction "but" in that second sentence. The way that you developed your thoughts and linked them together from the aspects of "yes this happens" to "look what it does to people" was good. Your opening attention-getter was quite complicated, just make sure all the punctuation is correct and that it is not a run-on. It should not be a problem to have an attention getter over two sentences, if need be. As long as it does not take over the entire introduction, and it grabs attention, which yours certainly did, it should be fine. You have a great topic and with the amount of concussions recently, although it could be because of doctors being better and having more precise equipment to measure them, I think that your introduction, overall, is quite good. Good job.
DeleteAndrew
DeleteI like your opening which helps the reader to jump right into your paper. I would like you to pay attention to sentence structure and some wording. You tend to jump into "concussions" without the proper introduction to it. Here are the first lines of your introduction, revised:
The player was hit hard. He falls to the ground. He stands up, but stumbles back to the ground. He is not aware of his surroundings; the crowd is in utter disbelief as the ambulance takes him away. Often, the injured player is discovered to have a concussion. Believe it or not,this scenario happens frequently to student athletes throughout the nation. It can happen at any time, place, or sporting event.Concussions are treatable, but athletic trainers along with coaches need to take the proper steps into treating a concussion.
Your thesis is well done and placed at the end where it belongs. Nice job!
I really enjoyed your first sentence, it earns the attention of the reader by asking to be read with pauses at predetermined intervals. Your introduction is well written, but has some errors in it that make it less appealing. In the sentence "There have been many sporting events around the nation that the coach has such a desire to win, so he keeps his best player in the game with a concussion," there is a switch of tense mid-sentence. The verbs in the sentence sentence should have stayed in the past tense. In part of a a later sentence, "Skeptics often argue these rules that leagues are taking saying they are 'to severe' or 'the players will have to change their approach,'" the beginning part of it sounds wrong. The word order is incorrect which is an easy fix. Your errors are simple ones that can be fixed easily, and your introduction is a great one.
DeleteIntroduction
ReplyDeleteWith a gallant charge, the rebels attack one of the largest superpowers in the world. At the surprise of the entire world, the rebels win. With a cheer, the rebels throw their hats in the air, praising their good fortune. The thirteen colonies have just gained their independence from Great Britain. Shortly afterwards, the United States of America is founded, and the constitution is written. This constitution became a model for nations across the globe. Freedom had been won, but that was only the first battle. There is a war raging in the U.S.A, and it is a fight for freedom. This war is not being fought between two opposing countries, or even armed groups. This is a war between a government and its people. Given, the U.S.A is not a communist or monarch controlled country, but there is one innate freedom that is being infringed upon, and many take no notice of it. In the Bill of Rights, the first 10 Amendments, of the Constitution, there is one item that the fathers of the U.S.A thought was of supreme precedence. This was the First Amendment. Contained inside the first amendment are four freedoms that are intended for all that live in the United States. These four freedoms are: speech, press, religion, and assembly. One of the most controversial freedoms, is a principal that even the founding fathers were reluctant to put into the constitution. This is religion. In order to protect all these rights, this government was created with three branches, to protect these freedoms. Because of these branches, it should be impossible for any freedoms to be infringed upon, but that is in a perfect world. At this time, it is the supreme court that is not doing its job. To understand what it is that the supreme court is lacking in, one must understand what it exactly is that it is not doing. In the aspect of freedom of religion, there is a saying coined by Jefferson, "separation of church and state." This principal describes how the government and religion should interact. This principal is a massive debate, consisting of laws, and supreme court rulings that go against "separation of church and state," thus violating the First Amendment and religious freedoms in America. The supreme court needs to clear this mess up, which is what it should have been doing all along. The supreme court needs to make an official ruling on the principal of "separation of church and state."
The opening sentence of the introduction makes an excellent attention grabber. I personally just find the word "rebels" a fun word. Giving a brief history on how America came to be is also great. The actual foundation on which your paper is going to be written on is actually very double sided. The government has rather frequently contradicted itself with the laws and bills that have been passed. In the actual introduction, I can not find any real problems. The short phrases that are in this give great emphasis to support the points being made. Quoting the founding fathers, who really are among the more competent people in this nation's history, helps with what you are writing about. I think it is very well written and does a fantastic job of beginning your paper.
DeleteJess
DeleteI like the start of your introduction. It is interesting and inviting for a reading audience. I think the introduction gets a bit heavy with historical and more "textbook" type of discussion. For a history report, this would be fine, but for a persuasive thesis, this leans more on the didactic side. I do like the thesis at the end, where it belongs. However, I am still not clear on what, exactly, you want to persuade. Can you work with this a bit more?
Jess, I find your introduction intriguing. The way you started your introduction with a background of US history is great. I found your background information factual, and interesting.
DeleteI also agree with your research topic. There is a very thin line between church and state. I am interested how you are going persuade the reader about different ways the government should change to create a clear distinction between church and state. I would advise that you introduce a little about what you think should be done to make the distinction between state and government. I think that if you build off the historical information in your introduction and add some examples, you will have a great opening to your paper.
Fill a room with a thousand twelve year old children and ask them this, "how many of you have a cell phone?" Over half of their hands would raise according to multiple studies. Next ask them how many of them have ever been sent mean or cruel messages on their cell phones. Studies show that none of those hands would go down. Ask the children how many of them have received or asked for a sexually suggestive phone on their cell phone. Almost none of the children would raise their hands, but faces would grow red and you would see that it does occur, their just too frightened to own up to it according to Keith and Martin (2005). Finally, ask them how many of them know the dangers that their cell phones pose to them. They will most likely stare at you in confusion. None of them will know that their phones could lead them to become depressed, reclusive, or even suicidal. Children of this generation are unique in that they are being exposed to new technologies from their very birth. Cell phones have given rise to new forms of bullying and new emotional traumas. Police and lawmakers are desperately trying to keep up with these new forms of technology and figure out how to punish those who break the laws surrounding them. Young children are unintentionally being listed on Megan's law for a moment of lack of judgment. Bullies have found ways to make sure that their targets cannot get away from the abuse, even destroying home as a safe haven. All of his has occurred because of the advent of the cell phone and putting it into the hands of impressionable children. Parents should not allow their hound children to have cell phones because if the physical and emotional hazards.
ReplyDeleteMaddie
ReplyDeleteNice job on your opening! Painting a picture for the reader is always beneficial when writing a research paper or other type of essay. The second sentence in your introduction should be revised a bit so that the phrase "multiple studies" modifies the right word. You might want to state it this way: Multiple studies have shown that over half of their hands would raise up to that question.
You might also have to change a word in this sentence: Ask the children how many of them have received or asked for a sexually suggestive phone on their cell phone. [It needs clarity].
Let me remind you that the 2nd person "you" should not be used in formal writing like this. In the one part, you say "....but faces would grow red and you would see that..." Change that to "....but faces would grow red and one could see that...."
Finally, this next sentence needs some clarity too: Young children are unintentionally being listed on Megan's law for a moment of lack of judgment.
Nice job overall, Maddie!!!
Maddie, I really enjoyed your introduction and would like to read your paper when you're finished. Though I'm not sure if we're supposed to correct spelling and punctuation mistakes, you do have a few of those. You also use the word "next" a few times, so you may want to replace it with a synonym. Overall, your paper sounds interesting and I can completely understand what you're going to say in your paper from reading this introduction. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
DeleteMaddie, as I have said before, I love your topic and your introduction is interesting. Like Tori said, I did notice reading the word "next" a lot, which could easily be replaced because there are a ton of synonyms that can be used in place of that. The introduction you have written gave a clear view of the paper that will be written in the very near future. Good job!
ReplyDeleteBlue, red, and yellow are the primary colors, with which any other color can be made. Kids are drawn to that specific juice that is a vibrant blue, but mothers should think twice. Fruits, such as grapes, raspberries, and kiwi, are all naturally colorful and contain sugars that are found in nature. Food dyes have been linked to obesity, hyperactivity, and cancer but are still being ingested by every American. Europe has placed warning labels on foods with food dyes in them since 2000, but now has controlled companies’ input of them in all food. When thinking about smoking, many people would turn their heads and say no due to the fact that cigarettes are known to cause lung cancer. Food dyes are now known to cause a variety of cancers and diseases, but the government and FDA are refusing to take this new-found information as seriously as it needs to be taken. Preservatives and some other ingredients have also been found to be just as addictive as nicotine, which is a major reason for obesity. Overeating is caused because of the chemicals put in the food that make the mind believe it must have more of that particular food, which causes cravings for about four days after the food has been ingested. Diabetes has become a growing concern to America, which should not be a shock when looking at the ingredients of the most commonly eaten foods. Many foods, such as fruits, contain a high amount of natural sugar; when a food that may contain apples then adds more sugar, the amount that is being ingested is now higher than what should be taken in all day long. The American government should ban food dyes and other hazardous ingredients because they are causing damaging health problems.
ReplyDeleteNicole, after reading your first sentence it made me want to keep reading to find out what your paper was about. I think this is a very interesting topic. I like how you compared the fact that people become addicted to some foods just as people become addicted to cigarettes. I think your off to a good start and I'm excited to see your final paper!
Deletereserved for comment
DeleteNicole, i think that you did an amazing job on your introduction! After reading your very first sentence, i had to keep going. Just the start of the paper will have an impact to get people of any ages to read your paper! I think you put enough information in the beginning for people to understand what would happen throughout your paper, which is very helpful. The only thing I could maybe think of to improve your introduction would be to possibly move one of the last sentences that deals with the natural sugars to the front a little more. This way will help bind with the fruits you were talking about in the very beginning of your introduction and kinda give a little bit more input for the overeating factor that you mention in the end. It is just a suggestion, but you truly did a fantastic job!!
DeleteNicole
DeleteI like your initial opening; however, the introduction should have more coherence. I would avoid moving away from the food dyes as a cause of illness - for instance, you bring in preservatives, obesity, diabetes and other points so the connection to food dyes seems to get lost a bit.
Also, avoid slang terms like "kids" - use "children" instead.
You can build up your introduction from that good opening you started by sticking with the topic of food dyes. By the way, the second sentence is not clear when you discuss "that specific juice" - I'm not clear what you are referring to. Good luck on your revision.
When adults were growing up, their main play tool was an endless world of imagination: the outdoors. Today, the endless world of imagination is contained inside of tiny, pocket-sized devices: cell phones. Children are being trusted with inventions that were first intended for adult use. Technology has become a necessity to consumers who choose to keep up with change and also keep up on personal matters. Instead of a privilege that was originally meant for emergencies and business, cell phones have come to be present objects that are everywhere a person turns. When types of cell phones were first introduced through the military, the phones were designed to warn other soldiers and basic military use. Nowadays, cell phones appear to be used more for leisure rather than emergencies. Compared to the original military capabilities that phones once held, now there are more uses, ranging from characteristics including cameras, texting friends, internet, and more. Not only are phones more advanced, but they have a higher presence in the world. It seems like wherever a person turns, there will be someone standing there on a cell phone. Connection is so important to people that cell phones appear to be bodily appendages.
ReplyDeleteIn the present day, children and teens are some of the most connected people around. However, the effects on the children can play into the rest of their lives. Children are affected by every type of exposure that they encounter, especially new technologies that are introduced all around them. Even though technology was intended to be only beneficial, hidden ways of destruction are contained inside of small devices, including cell phones. One main problem would be phone overuse, resulting in a high exposure to radiation, which could eventually lead to cancer. Cell phone companies should provide more education to their consumers to protect children from physical and mental ailments that may result from cell phone usage.
Carli, I like your introductory sentence. It helps people picture what things used to be like in days whenever people had few things but were still able to be happy. I think that the imagination of children has gone down a significant amount, we don't really hear about children being excited about making pillow forts, or jumping from one piece of furniture to another because the floor was made of "lava." I agree that cell phones tend to be overused in today's society. I can speak for myself whenever I say that I do not go anywhere without my cell phone. It is always in my pocket and always by my side. It is also rather disappointing because many young people today do not know how to communicate with people whenever they are not texting. Years ago, whenever cell phones were not used for everday devices, people were forced to communicate face to face, developing communication skills. It is rather sad to admit that people these days are lacking in the department of those communication skills. I was interested to find out that cell phones can expose people to radiation and that something as simple as this device can lead to cancer. I look forward to reading your paper!
Deletereserved
DeleteCarli, overall I really like your introduction, but there are a few minor comments I have. For your attention getter, I feel like it should be more connected to the paper, and it should give the reader insight into what you are arguing. Also, I am not sure I like how you used the colons; maybe you could try to reword those sentences so that they flow better. I really like the sentence of how children are given cell phones that were originally intended for adult use, and also the shift from cell phones for emergency to pleasure. Your transition into your thesis in the second paragraph is also well written.
DeleteCarli
DeleteYou have a good line to start your introduction. I do note, however, that there are a few missing words that would help to give some of your sentences better syntax. For instance, I changed this sentence slightly: [When cell phones were first introduced through the military, the phones were designed to warn other soldiers and for basic military use.] Another sentence that I changed slightly is: [One main problem is phone overuse, resulting in high exposure to radiation; this, ultimately, can eventually lead to cancer. ]
Good Luck on your revisions.
Obesity: More than just a Medical Concern
ReplyDeleteThe seriousness of the obesity epidemic contradicts the perspective seen by the public. The use of advanced technology throughout advertising businesses of many food industries are manipulating the mindset of the public to encourage further consumption and production of many unhealthy products. People of this generation are not aware of the proper amounts of certain types of food, and as a result consume as much food as they see fit. The general public does not understand the serious effects of overeating and how their bodies’ will react to this overconsumption. The obesity epidemic has been escalating over the course of the last thirty years, and this elevation needs to be stopped. This prevalent disease can cause many health problems such as heart disease, diabetes, and clogged arteries, leading to severe and increased risk of death. To end or decrease the epidemic, public awareness of the obesity issue needs to be enhanced to create proactive responses from society as a whole.
To create public awareness of this life-threatening issue, the classification of obesity as a disease will lead to various advantages creating healthier lifestyles and fewer health issues. Obesity is not caused by unknown forces beyond one’s control; it is a result of one’s actions. The public needs to realize that obesity is not permanent, and most importantly that it is preventable. The classification of obesity as a disease will encourage individuals to seek medical assistance from professionals that know the necessary health measures and precautions. The dangers of these prominent health effects can be prevented if public awareness is brought forward through the classification of obesity as a disease. Obesity is a major health hazard that has taken too many lives, and its dangerous effects need to be brought forward to the public’s awareness. The classification of obesity as a disease will encourage people to take the causes of obesity more seriously.
reserved for comment
DeleteMarla, you worded your introduction so well. As I was reading, I could not help but get a little excited to see your proper use of the semicolon! One little subject I noticed that may or may not need a change is the first sentence of your second paragraph. Instead of saying "of", maybe try saying "to" possibly? Maybe just to point out a little more that you are against this disease. Also in the first sentence of your second paragraph, I think there needs to be a comma after the word "advantages." i had a very hard time finding mistakes in your introduction. Personally, I find it very appealing and curious about what is next to come from you. Keep up the good work!
Deletereserved
DeleteMarla, I like how you worded your introduction; it was informative, yet still made want to continue reading. I especially like how you not only focused on the eating habits of others, but put into perspective that maybe today's technology and advertisement could be to blame. I think where you talk about obesity being a problem for the past thirty years, there should be some sort of fact or statistic with it, so there is more fact compared to your opinion; maybe a quote from a journal or something. In your second paragraph, you mention your thesis a lot in each of those sentences. Maybe you could throw in some objections or maybe reword it, but I really like it.
DeleteMarla
DeleteI would like to see a catchy line leading into your introduction. What can you do to motivate readers to read your paper? You need some kind of an attention-getter. A series of rhetorical questions, a quotation, an anecdote - any of these might work. Your thesis should be the LAST statement of your introduction. It seems that the 2nd to last statement fits more as a thesis. What was approved for this paper? I like your topic and it is a very important piece of research. Good Luck with it.
Being young is a time that most people would die to go back to. Everyone remembers the parties, the recklessness and the ability to run around without their bodies objecting their every move. What most people often times forget, is the feeling that young people do not really have a place in the world. Often times what is forgotten is the overwhelming feeling that they do not belong. For most young teens, it's hard to find a place where they can actually become comfortable. The pressure, stress and the need to fit in is something that all young people struggle with. The feeling that one gets when they feel they don't belong is something that everyone has gone through and hates to think about. Body image is one of the most pressing reasons as to why teens and other young people feel that they do not fit in with today's society. Peers and parents are an essential part to affecting the way young people feel about their body, but what some people don't understand is that the media largely affects body image too. It is hard for young people today to feel like they belong because the ideal body image has changed so much over the years. Young people do not know what to think or what is accepted in society anymore. The wanted body image used to be full-figured. This was a sign that women were healthy. Body image since then has changed into the ideal that being thin means being healthy, however there is a large difference from being thin and to what is now considered as being thin which is actually significantly underweight. The media, as it portrays people now, is what is a large reason to why many young people view their bodies in such a harsh manor. Substances are being abused by kids who strive to achieve the bodies of their favorite role models and other people in the media. The media has many problems that need to be brought to light, children should not feel the need to look the exact way the media tells them to. Teens need to be able to live in a world where they are not being constantly judged on the way they look. Thin does not always mean healthy, and pressure should be taken off young people to make them feel comfortable in the world they live in. Young people should be educated on the way the media portrays body image.
ReplyDeleteMorgan, I think this is the first time I became aware of what you are writing about for our paper. It is a very interesting topic! One that I will be very anxious to read. I really like your introduction. I did not find anything that was repeated or any use of "you" or "I" and I believe it was very well written. Good job, I can't wait to read your paper!
DeleteMorgan
DeleteYou have an interesting topic and I think you've worked through the introduction nicely. The main suggestions I have for you is to go back over the mechanics of your introduction to check on wording and phrasing.
One word that needs to be put into plural is in this line here: Peers and parents are an essential part to affecting the way young people feel about their body[change this to 'bodies'].
Try to be specific too - when you refer to when women were preferred with full-figures. What century or what decade do you refer to?
In the following sentence, change the comma to a period:
The media has many problems that need to be brought to light, children should not feel the need to look the exact way the media tells them to.
Also, does the media really tell children how to look? Or is that an exaggeration? It might be better to say that the media influences fashion and body image through their ongoing advertising by selecting extremely thin models to promote various products.
Good Luck on your revisions.
I think you did a good job of introducing us to your topic, so congrats on that! I've been excited to read your paper and I know you've been working very hard on it. I don't have anything to add to Dr. Pam's or Nicole's ideas.
DeleteThe domestication of wild and exotic species is becoming more profound in today’s constantly changing society and poses a serious threat to the current generation. The compulsive need of certain individuals to stand out among their peers creates an impulsive buying spree, where exotic animals are sold for various reasons. Desires for companionship, display purposes, and even as wealthy investments are just a few excuses defending the ownership of exotic animals. This unnecessary confinement condemns the animal to a life in a cage for no reason other than the cruel will of the owner. More and more people are becoming drawn to exotic animals for pets, and unfortunately, many animals are not able to properly sustain life in new and unknown environments. Many of these animals cannot live in cages, and so do not receive the proper exercise or living conditions.
ReplyDeleteWith today’s growing demand for more unusual and unique species of pets, animals from all over the world are living in environments that they are not accustomed to. According to Marano, Arguin, and Pappaioanou (2007), “37,858,179 individually counted live amphibians, birds, mammals, and reptiles were legally imported to the United States from 163 countries in 2000- 2004.” Even though this is legal in many states, it is not fair to the animals that are being taken from their homes and shipped to different parts of the world. Exotic animal trade is not as safe as people think. Many of these animals are carriers of serious diseases, such as Herpes B, Salmonella, and even Bubonic plague. The private ownership of exotic animals should be illegal; it is not safe for the pet, the owner, or the environment.
Maria, I really agree with your view point toward the trade of exotic animals. Animals like those aren't supposed to be kept to one person, especially when many people keep endangered pets when they know that they can't properly take care of them. If zoos have guidelines for keeping special animals, then so should private owners of exotic animals. However, I feel that your attention getter should pull the reader in more. That is one of the only things that I could find wrong with it, so good job!
DeleteMaria
DeleteYou certainly have an interesting topic. I would like to see a more creative opening to your research paper though. It is important to capture your audience immediately through an anecdote or even a hypothetical situation. I have very little to critique on your introduction but I think the topic does lend itself to a few creative ideas upon which to open. Good Luck.
Maria, I think that your paper is going to be one of the most well written papers here. I agree with you whenever you say that it is not fair to the animals, they do not get to voice their opinion in this matter. People do not have the right materials to take care of these animals the way they should be taken care of, either. While I can see the appeal the animals have on these people, it is cool to have ownership of these types of animals, I can also say that I do not think they should have ownership of these pets. I think your topic for your paper is a fantastic one, however, I think that you should try to come up with a more interesting introductory sentence. Try to make the reader feel captured in the first sentence so they will continue to read the rest of your paper. Maybe think of writing the diseases the animals can transmit in the first sentence or the harm these animals can cause to different situations in there. I cannot wait to read your final paper!
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ReplyDeleteWhen people think of higher education, almost everyone automatically assumes college is the only thing available. However, in today's society, that isn't the case. Now, there are things like trade schools and culinary schools that don't take nearly as much time or money as attending a college. Also, even while not attending college, trade school is seen as a degree when applying to different careers. It also has more benefit than entry level jobs, even though it costs money to you. You learn things that can be used in many different areas instead of being used solely in the area that your company specializes in. This extra knowledge helps to allow for workers to move from one company to another without starting from the bottom of the corporate ladder over and over again.
ReplyDeleteIt's not right for trade schools to be looked over just because they are not traditionally looked upon as quality education. In this day and age, it isn't always right for people to attend college, especially when it's so difficult to find a job in our economy. While its very difficult for graduates to find work in areas like teaching, history, and many other areas that many people believe to fun, there is actually a shortage of skilled labor in the United States. Many people are needed to become things like welders, plumbers, and electricians, but the basic perceptions of people in these areas is thought to be unintelligent, under-payed, and uneducated people. However, many people that attended trade schools and acquired work actually make thousands of dollars more than many who attained a college degree. It isn't normally looked upon as unintelligent to find work that makes people happy and makes more money. Because of the availability of jobs in the vocational arts, more people should look at trade schools as a viable option over Universities.
First of all thank you for pointing out that too many people want to be teachers! I know everyone can have dreams, but there are so many of them out there and it is awfully hard to find a teaching position, especially in our area. In your first paragraph the sentence about degrees and college confuses me. I'm sorry I can't directly quote it, but my comment disappears when I scroll! Other than that I learned from my blog that having you as a subject is a no no. So, I suggest you take that out. I think that's all I have to say about your introduction. Maybe you could add an attention gabbing hook?
DeleteVictoria
DeleteYour topic is certainly interesting and it surely has a good point. With education costing so much now, students are often being directed toward trade schools instead of universities.
In your introduction, I suggest that you find a replacement for the word, "things" - try to be more specific. Also, avoid using the 2nd person "you" -
Here is another place you use the word "things" that can be changed:
[Many people are needed to become things like welders, plumbers, and electricians,]
Instead, try this: Many opportunities are available for welders, plumbers, and electricians who are skilled through a certified trade school.
Good Luck on revisions.